As I stand on the brink of 2015 and look back over 2014, I’m thankful because I am a grateful person. I am usually optimistic and look for the good in every situation. I am a fixer. I don’t cry about it; I just make it right.
But I can’t always do that. I realize now more than ever that I can’t fix everything and sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can’t make things better. As much as “self-help” gurus try to make us believe it, we can’t always make our dreams a reality. Sometimes, even if we want to “achieve the impossible” and “reach for the stars,” life just bites us in the butt and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Which brings me to my thoughts tonight. I grabbed my Bible to see what God thought about my little bad attitude. I opened up right to Psalms. After the words spoke to me so poignantly, I quickly looked to see who had written it. Yep...David. That spoke volumes. See, David was a “man after God’s own heart.” So if David could feel that way, it was okay for me to do the same. I won’t let you in on exactly what the psalm was about but take my word for it, ole Dave was talkin’ some smack. My new HCSB Life Application Study Bible even says, “Theme:Righteous indignation against liars and slanderers. We can tell God our true feelings and desires.”
This is why it is so important to read our Bibles. Of course, you may not believe that me opening up my Bible to a certain Scripture had anything to do with God. Believe me, I have read/heard the snarky remarks people say about weirdos who do that. But me and God have our own thing going on...
When we read what the heroes of the Bible endured and how they also questioned God’s ways, we realize that it is only human for us to do the same. We are not supernatural. We are not omniscient. We don’t have it all together or know everything. Sometimes, we are just hanging on for dear life!
But David actually felt the same way every once in a while. Sure he was usually all “Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me!” but other days he muttered along with the rest of us “Are You kidding, Lord? Somethings. Got.To.Give.” (It’s in there…check it out…)
And tonight, that brings me comfort. I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way. There was even a man in the New Testament who, when the Lord asked if he believed replied, “Lord, I believe! Wait...what?? Yeah...help my unbelief.”
Because I read my Bible, I know that there are others who before me have witnessed the wrestling match between what we “know” in our heads and how we “feel” in our hearts. Yes, we know “God is good, all the time!” But why am I still hurting? Of course, God is our healer and provider! Then why am I still sick and broke? We want to bless the Lord even when we don’t feel like it because we know we should and He is always worthy but...help, Lord because I really don’t feel like it right now...
Anyone can look back over my year on Facebook and see what a blessed woman I am! I see that too. I know that. And my head argues with my heart about it. But my heart says, “Just let me grieve. Let me feel what I feel. Even if it’s not true or holy or spiritual. It’s what I need to do right now.”
I was raised in a performance based Christianity and I always feel like I need to do better. I need to get it right. Everything should be perfect. And maybe this year I will. Maybe I’ll get it together. Maybe all those people are right and I just need to work harder and be smarter and more disciplined and I’ll have a perfect life like they do.
Or maybe things will never be perfect on this terra firma because then we wouldn’t long for heaven. Maybe God puts us in a place of discontent so we will long for that day when we see Him face to face and all the dreams and goals and New Year’s Resolutions fade from our memories like last night’s bad dream.
Sorry but I don’t have the answers and I’ve been doing this thing for a looonng time. I am a fellow sojourner, biding my time and doing my best with what I have. I long for the day when I see Him and I will understand why things happen the way they do. I join with David and Abraham and Moses and all the others whose hearts were sold out to God but yet, sometimes they doubted and misunderstood, wept and grieved. But He proved again tonight that He is faithful and He’s not scared to show up when my spirituality is not up to par. He can handle the questions and concerns. He’s done it from the beginning of time and will continue doing it till the end.
Would you care to join me on my journey? My steps are not always steady or swift. I need your support up some of these steep mountains and deep valleys. But “since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)